25 posts tagged “open letters”
Dear Dumbass,
I'm sorry Mama,
I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to make you cry
but tonight
I had some Dr Pepper
Dear Joaquin Phoenix,
So...obviously you never read my first letter, because some recent photos have you looking like this:
Sincerely,
Jenny
Dear Town Hall Participants,
So, if you are going to be addressing questions to the Senators, some quick tips.
1. Please address them by name ("Senator Obama/McCain") instead of just rushing into your question. It makes you look uneducated and rude.
2. Um, actually practice your question beforehand instead on relying on your notecard as a crutch. Because you are nervous, you are going to stumble over it and appear illiterate. And I'm talking to you, Teresa.
Sincerely,
Jenny
Dear Woman,
Ok. I love animals. But seriously, listening to your dog's high-pitched bark all evening is enough to drive even an animal lover insane. Please be a responsible pet owner and bring your pet inside. Right now I have the urge to kidnap your dog and drop him off at an HEB, where some loving person will pick him up and give him some attention. Because your dog seriously is cute (when it isn't barking).
Not sincerely,
Jenny
Dear Gwen Stefani,
Okay. So you are pretty awesome. You're a good singer. You have really great style and your fashion line isn't too bad either. You have a killer stage presence that belies the sweet, almost shy persona you have in your interviews. "Hollywood hasn't gotten to Gwen Stefani," I thought, even when you ditched your band, completed a couple of high profile celebrity duets, started wearing couture, and became a rather shameless self-promoter in your solo career (eff the haters, I still love "Rich Girl" and "Cool" like it's 2005). You just seem like a normal, approachable person you can hang out and drink coffee with.
So I was watching E! this evening and I read the scrolling news ticker that announced that you'd had your baby. "It's about time she popped, she's been pregnant for twelve months," I thought. The ticker read that you'd named your baby Zuma. I initially wasn't crazy about the name but it was acceptable. Certainly it wasn't terrible in the vein of Pilot Inspektor or Audio Science. "How sweet," I thought, "she had a little girl."
Then two things happened.
1. The full name of your child was revealed-Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale. "Zuma Nesta" sounds like something you take to help you fall asleep. And Rock? What? But I was willing to forgive this lapse in judgment because it is still a feminine enough name for your little girl.
2. But apparently you had a BOY.
Oh, honey, no. Gwen, why? Why would you give your little boy names that end with a feminine vowel like A? My brain just cannot comprehend what was going through your mind when you thought this would be an acceptable name to give your boy. Your first kid, Kingston, has a halfway normal name-what happened? Did you decide to let your toddler name the baby?
So I have to say that you crossed into the dark side of celebrity-dom, at least when it comes to baby names. Hopefully you can find your kid a decent nickname so that he doesn't emancipate himself from you in elementary school. Maybe "Zoom." Like those old car commercials ("ZOOM ZOOM ZOOM.") See what life you are setting up for your child?
Congratulations, by the way.
Sincerely,
Jenny
Dear Ankle,
So you started hurting today during my run. Now you are slightly swollen. Look, I am only 24. I am too young to be affected by random maladies. Running and dancing are my favorite activities, so you need to get better. By, like, tomorrow.
And I promise I will wear my flats instead of the big heels that I wore today.
Love,
Jen
Dear Douchebag Who Threw Trash Out of His Car,
Really? You couldn't wait until you got home to throw that piece of paper (or whatever it was) out the window as you drove? I hope a cop catches you the next time you so blatantly litter and that you get stuck with that $500 fine. Don't mess with Texas, asswipe.
Not sincerely,
Jenny
Dear Joaquin Phoenix,
I watched We Own the Night yesterday, and it wasn't a bad movie (I think it was rather unbelievable on some parts but since Patrick always complains that I can't watch a movie without saying something is unrealistic, I will let that quibble pass). And while I was watching it, I couldn't help wondering, "What happened to you?"
This is what you used to look like. Back in 2005, when I had a crush on you and listened to the Walk the Line soundtrack more than I would care to admit, you still looked pretty good. And now you look like:
Dude, you're only 33 (thanks Wikipedia!) but you look so much older. I know you've had problems in the past with substance abuse issues but take it easy and keep healthy, okay? Besides, looking 20 years older than you actually are is not sexy.
Sincerely,
Jenny
P.S. I realize how completely vain this entry is, and I apologize; you still are an incredible actor, and I think you deserved the Oscars that Benicio del Toro and Philip Seymour Hoffman completely stole from you. (Especially Benicio del Toro. Traffic kind of sucked and all he did was walk around and speak some Spanish).
Dear Woman Who Cut Me Off on the Freeway,
Well, I can't say that I haven't made my share of dumb mistakes when driving, but at least I have the brain capacity to know that texting while driving, especially on a freeway, is so fucking stupid that you should be incarcerated for being that dense. I guess sending an "Im on teh freeway now, lolz!" message takes precedence to safe driving habits, which is why you not only cut me off, but were going maybe 15 mph slower than I was when you did. Hey, getting into a collision at 30+ mph was fun enough, so I can't imagine all good times in store if I had rear-ended you at 70 mph. Thanks for that adrenaline rush-I just love slamming on my brakes, especially on a freeway. Thank you for reminding me why I stopped speeding months ago, because if I had been, your car (and mine) would be totaled right now (at the very least). Might I make a friendly recommendation? Please do not operate heavy machinery or make any life-altering decisions until your IQ raises at least another 15 points.
Not sincerely,
Jenny
