17 posts tagged “open letters”
Dear Joaquin Phoenix,
I watched We Own the Night yesterday, and it wasn't a bad movie (I think it was rather unbelievable on some parts but since Patrick always complains that I can't watch a movie without saying something is unrealistic, I will let that quibble pass). And while I was watching it, I couldn't help wondering, "What happened to you?"
This is what you used to look like. Back in 2005, when I had a crush on you and listened to the Walk the Line soundtrack more than I would care to admit, you still looked pretty good. And now you look like:
Dude, you're only 33 (thanks Wikipedia!) but you look so much older. I know you've had problems in the past with substance abuse issues but take it easy and keep healthy, okay? Besides, looking 20 years older than you actually are is not sexy.
Sincerely,
Jenny
P.S. I realize how completely vain this entry is, and I apologize; you still are an incredible actor, and I think you deserved the Oscars that Benicio del Toro and Philip Seymour Hoffman completely stole from you. (Especially Benicio del Toro. Traffic kind of sucked and all he did was walk around and speak some Spanish).
Dear Woman Who Cut Me Off on the Freeway,
Well, I can't say that I haven't made my share of dumb mistakes when driving, but at least I have the brain capacity to know that texting while driving, especially on a freeway, is so fucking stupid that you should be incarcerated for being that dense. I guess sending an "Im on teh freeway now, lolz!" message takes precedence to safe driving habits, which is why you not only cut me off, but were going maybe 15 mph slower than I was when you did. Hey, getting into a collision at 30+ mph was fun enough, so I can't imagine all good times in store if I had rear-ended you at 70 mph. Thanks for that adrenaline rush-I just love slamming on my brakes, especially on a freeway. Thank you for reminding me why I stopped speeding months ago, because if I had been, your car (and mine) would be totaled right now (at the very least). Might I make a friendly recommendation? Please do not operate heavy machinery or make any life-altering decisions until your IQ raises at least another 15 points.
Not sincerely,
Jenny
Dear Year 2008,
How the fuck is it March already?
Sincerely,
Jen
Dear Dallas Cowboys,
You have 2 minutes and 30 seconds left in the game. You are losing. Get your shit together.
Not sincerely,
Jennifer
Dear Assistant at the Seafood Counter,
Please find a better way of flirting with me the next time I ask, "When did you get those mussels?" Pointing to your biceps and saying, "Oh, sometimes around 9th grade" is kind of lame.
Sincerely, (because you honestly weren't bad-looking),
Jennifer
Dear Jessica Simpson,
Bitch, we only lost one game this whole season until you have to show up and watch the game. Please leave Tony Romo alone. At least until off-season.
Not sincerely,
Jennifer
Dear Driver Outside My Window Blasting His Music,
You suffer from the same syndrome that every other dumbass does when they want to be so cool and blast their music with the windows down-you are listening to really shitty music. Why can't you guys blast something good, like Floyd or Zeppelin? No, you either blast country or some thumping shit with the same monotonous beat. Just because your taste in music sucks does not mean that the rest of the innocents should be exposed to it.
Not sincerely,
Jennifer
Here are some things I find slightly annoying:
-Motorcycle riders. Oh my goodness. Please wear a helmet if you are going to be doing 80 mph on a freeway and cutting off cars. Also, I nearly hit someone riding one today. He was right in my blind spot when I was switching lanes (it's a lot easier to see a car or truck in your blind spot than a little bike!) Thank God I realized he was there and quickly backed off. That really freaked me out. We were on the freeway, so I don't even want to think about what could have happened. So motorcycles are not very high up on my list right now.
-Reality shows that use every means possible to hook viewers, like on Don't Forget the Lyrics. Why do we need to see if the contestant has the first three words right? Why not tell us if he got the right lyrics instead of waiting until after a commercial break?
-Barry Manilow. He has the blandest music. "He writes the songs"- no, you really don't. I am definitely not a Fanilow.
-Boys. Just because. They always make these sort of lists by default.
Dear Drivers of Our Fair City,
Why do you all suck so badly? Do you guys somehow sense that I have a
new(ish) car and that I don't want to wreck it? I know that our city has
been ranked in the past for having some of the stupidest inhabitants or
the worst drivers, but that really isn't an excuse.
I'm not saying that I'm the best driver in the state, though I’m a lot
better than I used to be. I've made my share of mistakes. My dad refused
to drive with me about a good two years after I received my license. He
didn't even brave a trip with my driving on the freeway until this summer.
But, I DO have some crucial driving skills, those which you all
apparently lack.
1. To make a right turn, you need to be in the right lane.
On Monday, I was driving to jury duty, and was in the right lane waiting
for the green light. Once it flashed, I put my foot on the accelerator,
but took my time. And thankfully I did, because some idiot in the left
lane decided that he had to turn right, and then did so-from the left
lane, cutting me off. All I could do was laugh. But I would not have
been laughing had he hit Pearl.
2. When you are switching lanes, it’s not a good idea to a. wait until
someone else in front of you is trying to switch to the lane you want and
b. try and beat said driver to lane.
This happened to me the other day. I was checking my blind spot, and
seeing it was clear, I began going to the next lane. At the same time, a
vehicle behind me started advancing towards the spot I was trying to move
into. I hastily switched back into my lane to avoid a wreck. I think he
had his signal on. Which is ironic, because there must be a city-wide
ordinance against using traffic signals.
3. When merging onto a freeway, do not enter at 30 mph.
I cannot tell you how many times I’m behind someone who literally merges
at this speed. This morning was rather scary, because I was behind a huge
semi that was merging on the freeway slowly. Yes, I know that trucks
can’t accelerate as quickly as those in passenger vehicles can, blah blah,
but still. The freeway happened to be jammed, and here we suckers were
trapped doing 35 mph behind the truck. He managed to speed up to 50
before TAKING THE NEXT EXIT. Yes, that’s right-he went through all that
trouble to merge on the freeway, putting everyone else merging behind him
in danger, when all he had to do was take the stupid access road.
FRUSTRATION.
So, in conclusion, as much as I appreciate all this driving “experience,”
please don’t wreck Pearl or kill me in the process.
Not sincerely,
Jennifer
Dear NBC Weather Advisory Anchors,
I don't care if there is tornado warning for another county, YOU DON'T INTERRUPT THE OFFICE FOR THIS INFORMATION. A TICKER AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN WILL DO JUST FINE (or how about the commercial breaks?)
Not sincerely,
Jennifer
